After almost two years on the road I know how hard it is lugging around all your stuff. I’m currently in Istanbul and I’ve been dragging around a giant red suitcase AND my backpack AND my handbag. Thankfully, earlier in the year I already managed to get my camera stolen, otherwise the load might be unbearable.
I’ve met lots of fellow travels along the way, each of them have their own unique and interesting travel stories. Some of them have stories you simply can’t believe, and then others have stories of pure genius: like how they manage to efficiently donate their items world without a trip to the Salvation Army or Goodwill.
As an ode to all the brilliant individuals I’ve met along the way I decided to cultivate:
Top Five Ways To Get Your Stuff Stolen
Disclaimer: if you actually like your own possessions, try to do the opposite that this guide suggests.
1) Go to any beach, anywhere (bonus points if it’s somewhere third world, because it will probably take even less time to achieve “possession cleansing”) and place all of your possessions on the sand, bag optional. Run into the sea, spend hours splashing away and bathing. When you return, you should find only an outline of where your belongings were, etched into the sand.
Optional: for an authentic “off the beaten track experience” ensure that all of your cash cards, emergency cash and passports were left on the sand for free taking.
2) When you board a train with allocated seats, put your belongings in your allotted carriage. When you feel it’s time to ditch your stuff, change carriages and fall asleep. You’ll wake up in an unintended country (say, Germany) while your possessions will make their way to the Czech Republic. After purchasing a new ticket to Prague, you’ll make it a day later than your belongings, giving the helpful Bag Weight Alleviators to work their magic and up lift your brand new laptop, cold weather clothing, spare cash, new shoes and basically anything else of worth that you recently purchased. Easy.
3) When in Marseille, France drive around (as passenger) in your rental car with your possessions on the ground. Leave the door unlocked, because we want to make it as easy as possible for possession cleansing to take place. When at an intersection, a man will swiftly open the door and uplift some of your favourite things. Shock will paralyze you, ensuring that you are unable to prevent the removal of your heavy, unnecessary items: such as your camera and phone.
4) If you find yourself in Los Angeles, pressed for time, ensure that you find a valet parking service. Now, it may sound bizarre to pay for a car minding service that also uplifts some of your more valuable items, but it is a great business model, at least on their side. Place expensive dSLR in a plain black bag, in the passenger’s foot area; this way it isn’t too hidden to provide a challenge for them, but it isn’t insulting to their uplifting skills. Upon return of the vehicle, be sure to pay them for their usual services and to tip generously, for they have really done a fantastic, efficient job.
5) If you’re Barcelona alone, wandering around with your smartphone as your GPS and a man approaches you asking if you need help, definitely give him your phone. That way he can plant a kiss on your cheek before running into the darkness with your phone. This brings a whole new, more expensive meaning to the phrase “tap and gap”.
*All based on true stories, including my own misfortune
Anyone else had anything stolen while they were off exploring? I’d love to hear your stories.